Building a Solid Marriage

With the divorce rate running in excess of fifty percent, it’s not a quantum leap to assume that the institution of marriage is crumbling. There are societal and personal reasons that marriage is far from the sacred bond that it once was. I will focus on some of the personal ones.

In the past fifty years, we’ve moved away from a familial focus, where members of a family worked together for the common good of that family, to more of an individual focus. When I was growing up in the nineteen fifties, most women (even those who held jobs outside the home) simply assumed that their husband’s job came first. Now, both partners in most marriages are focused on their own careers. This leads to unprecedented bickering about who ends up doing chores at home. Fifty years ago, the wife did the housework and the husband kept the cars running and mowed the lawn. While I’m certainly not advocating that we return to an era that I believe gave women short shrift, the lack of clearly defined roles hasn’t helped marriages stay together.

When both partners work full time, no one really wants to come home and dust the house. A fortunate few can afford to hire housekeeping help, but their marriages don’t generally fare any better than those of their poorer friends. So, what’s the problem, anyway?

As I see it, the initial problem is that we’ve moved away from the inter-dependencies of an agrarian existence to an era where one of the first questions that pops into our minds is: What’s In It For Me? (WIFM). WIFM and marriage do not make good bedfellows since any long term successful parnering actually requires more of a What’s In It For Them? (WIFT) mentality.

Any of you who have read self help books have likely come across a line suggesting that partners need to “give a hundred percent”. Well, that’s not realistic either since there are times when one (or both) partners might not even be able to manage to gin up ten percent. In marriages that work, who’s giving how much becomes a gently lapping sea between the partners. Sometimes it’s more-or-less evenly divided; and sometimes it means that one partner’s giving a hundred ten percent and the other zero. Problems crop up if that imbalance is persistent. The one forking out the energy eventually becomes depleted and feels resentful.

Good communication and realistic expectations are the foundation for successful relationships. Having fun together helps, too. Marry someone with whom you have common interests. That glitzy, stardusty sexual charisma almost always fades with time. And, once you’re past the phase where you can’t keep your hands off one another, you’d better have some other things that you like to do together. If you both work, make sure to carve out some time at the end of the day where you just talk to one another, sharing the little things that happened over the course of the day. You can do that even if you have children by making a habit of sitting down together over an evening meal without the television, laptop computers or cell phones. Make any sort of electronic communication off limits at the dinner table and learn to talk to one another. You’d be surprised what a difference that will make.

Remember, half of talking is listening. When your partner is talking, pay attention. Think about what they’re telling you. You’ll find that’s far easier if you’re not texting on your smartphone at the same time. Besides, it’s respectful.

And, when problems arise—and they always do--set up time to talk about things. Take a good honest look at your contribution to that problem. Be humble and willing to change. No good marriage exists without sacrifice. That being said, marriages fail because one (or both) partners feel they’ve sacrificed too much. If you’re feeling that way, bring it up before you’re so angry and alienated that you have one foot out the door. Most marriages have the potential to be viable if we could just rein in our expectations a bit, give a little more, and be more tolerant of our partner’s weaknesses.

There are no perfect partners. We all have failings. If you leave one marriage, be warned that your next partner may well have some of the same problems that drove you out of your first marriage. That’s because you haven’t changed and we have a tendency to pick the same types of partners because of our own internal scripting. What I’ve often told couples who came to me for therapy is that they may as well learn to get along with one another because their next partner will likely provide the same set of challenges.

Talk about what you need before you get married. Your partner won’t magically change just because you signed on the dotted line. Nor will you. Sometimes some premarital counseling sessions can be useful. If you have problems before you get married, they will still be there after the ceremony.

And, finally, marry someone you trust. Trust is the cornerstone upon which relationships are built. Without it, you have nothing. Marriages can recover from many things, including infidelity, but when that emotional bank account stays in the red because one or both partners fail to make an honest effort to rebuild lost trust, there's little hope of building something that can stand the test of stress and time.