Be an Effective Parent

Consistency is the heart and soul of parenting. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Then follow through. If you’ve told one of your kids that they have to clean up their room NOW and they’re ignoring you, stop what you’re doing, round up your child, walk them to their room and stand there talking to them while they work. And, if they’re still pretty young, you might want to help them so you can model what you mean when you tell them their room needs to be clean. Some parents make actual lists including things like: bed made, clothes picked up off of floor, dirty clothes in the hamper, floor vacuumed, dressers dusted. Don’t do the chore for them, but provide enough support that they can get it done (mostly) by themselves.

One of my observations has been that parents want to be their children’s friends nowadays. That’s not the best strategy, since it implies a relationship of equals. You can be friends with your kids after they’ve grown up. For now, they need to know that you’re in charge and you can’t be in charge and be a friend at the same time. It’s sort of the same rationale as to why managers and supervisors at work shouldn’t be friends with their subordinates. It makes it pretty difficult if you have to discipline someone. (That’s a lesson I learned the hard way many years ago.)

Now, I’m not suggesting that you run your home like a boot camp; but I do think that all children from about age three or four on up should have some daily and weekly household chores. After all, it’s their house too. By assigning chores, you teach your children to take pride in their surroundings along with responsibility. And, examine your own attitudes. If you groan and grimace every time you pull the vacuum out of the closet, your children will follow suit.

Once upon a time someone said, “Do what’s hard”. That’s a good lesson; and one best learned early in life. We do have to “do what’s hard”, not just once, but over and over again. That’s how we develop self discipline. If you can do that, your children will be able to do so as well. What doesn’t work is a parent collapsed on the couch in a dirty house, exhausted from a grueling day, telling their ten-year-old that they’re losing their allowance because their room’s a mess. From the child’s perspective, the entire house is a mess and they won’t understand why they’re being penalized for adopting the same standards as their parents.

So, lead by example. Do what you need to to force compliance. If the threat was no car if your daughter didn’t manage a 3.0 GPA, don’t buy her one anyway just because she cries and you feel badly. After all, she has another opportunity to bring her grades up the next semester. And, you can open what might be a productive dialog to help determine just what she needs to succeed in school. Is it tutoring in a particular class? An earlier bedtime? Fewer social events?

When we over-indulge our children and don’t allow them to earn privileges through appropriate behavior, we don’t do them any favors. Once they leave our homes, universities and employers won’t let them slide because they feel sorry for them. Hold your children accountable. And, yes, that’s not easy since it takes a great outlay of parental effort. It would be far easier to just be their friend. But, you had those children. You owe it to them to help shape them into responsible adults. They don’t need you to be their friends. They need someone they can look up to. Someone to create and enforce rules. Homes are a microcosm for society. Don’t be afraid to have high standards and enforce them. If you can do that, your children, who may have screamed at you as teenagers, will turn out just fine.